I Will Not Stand By This

I will not stand by this.
Written by Bex Ryan

Today marks the month and the week
I must do something so important to me
Do you wonder how much I feel in my body?
Do I do what people think what I am doing
I leave that with you to think about that.

I thought so long to saying this
A new month will be the beginning of my journey
The steps I take in and the words I hear I breath out
I meant every word what I just said.

This week has finally come
I must do something about that
Something I really care about
Do you know what that could be?

The strength I take in
That thought came to me just in time
I feel this is the right time for me to write this
I do wonder myself if this is the right time for me to
do this now.

I will not stand by this no more
I will strive my best at work
I will join in
I will come to you and you come to me
You brought this to my attention.

We will be together
We will have each other
We might have more friends we thought we did
We will have the world and the people
For month and week, we all care about it.
This is important that we all take part in this.

Anti-Bullying Week 2020: United Against Bullying

I started writing a piece about how our online community looks after its members and where improvements are desperately needed, saying bullying should be called out at every opportunity. About half way through my third paragraph (bullies using the internet as a shield), when I found I needed to write about something I have never admitted in public before.
 
I have a bully.
 
Our community is blighted in a way rarely spoken of, particularly on social media. This Autistic community is made up (mostly) of vulnerable adults Yet too often, we see these personal attacks and hide to avoid being collateral damage. The bullies only see a self-satisfying, point scoring exercise in cancel culture and one-upmanship; whilst the silent majority remains that way out of fear. We all have enough problems IRL without some troll behind a keyboard doing their damnedest to destroy you, in order to satisfy their own twisted, selfish desires.
 
My bully thinks of themselves as a paragon of virtue, a person to be respected; a self-appointed Crusader who enjoys bullying through selective PMs suggesting inside knowledge, posing as a victim, posting slander, hints of wrongdoing without proof. Most advocates and activists find this this device to be anathema, but it is the mainstay of this bully’s armoury. I make no claim as a paragon of virtue. I’m Autistic. I’m as human as the rest of you, so I’ll not name my bully just yet, but you know who you are. Don’t you?
 
My bully came about when a group I was in tried to discipline them for bad behaviour. I wasn’t involved the second time, but it didn’t matter. With two others, I was targeted. The bully’s emails were accusations of damaging their reputation and engineering their expulsion over the informal warning they received from others. Complaints of how we had done this out of jealousy of their success. This became weeks of personal abuse, accusations and threats, usually many times in a day. They claimed innocence of all wrongdoing,, demanding full retractions of this and past ‘false’ complaints, demanding a public apology from us for suggesting they had behaved badly. The fact we could do nothing didn’t matter to them.
 
Think on that.
 
To prove their innocence, they relentlessly bullied 3 uninvolved persons for weeks, making baseless accusations and repeated, dire threats, to satisfy their Ego. Reminding them their accusations meant we could not deal with their complaint had no effect, those who gave the informal warning were ignored. Finally, we 3 made a bullying complaint and they resigned to avoid exposure. So started an online campaign of innuendo, hints of wrongdoing and insider information with no facts involved. Just constant, malicious gossip.
 
This continues to this day.
 
The effect on my health was stark. Some colleagues helped, some hid and pretended they ‘knew nothing about that’. I had MH problems, I became hyperalert and unable to avoid meltdown, suffered insomnia and inertia with 4 months off work this last year.
 
I’ve had enough of being a Troll’s victim. I thought “publish the emails, drag ‘em into the light”, so they can be exposed, removing their power. Then I thought, unannounced like that would be unkind. perhaps even bullying, so I keep to common decency. Something my bully lacks. Meanwhile, if anyone has ‘learned’ anything about me recently they want clarifying, just ask. I will answer honestly. My bully relies on my silence, which I now break.
 
Dear Bully, you are warned.
 
I’m fed up of being disparaged by this bully. I work bloody hard for our community and don’t get paid very much or often. This work, which mostly happens out of sight of social media, in the NHS and various Strategic Authorities, doesn’t make me special or important. I am only one of thousands who do this month after month across the UK. My work has finally got me to where I can do some lasting good; and the bully is back. For some reason, they need prove they’re ‘better’ than me; little more than Ego with a dash of narcissism. They can’t bear people they dislike having success, so they go about pulling those they perceive as competition down. A bully.
 
This stops now, as I will go public if they continue. I give fair warning. Got that, Bully?
I’m standing up to my bully and suggest others do, too. A bully’s power is nothing when they’re exposed. We all make mistakes. FFS we’re Auties, it’s in the job description! However, no-one deserves to be bullied for them. I prefer collaborative, constructive effort and the internal satisfaction good results brings. I don’t do this work for online celebrity and I certainly don’t do it for the money!
 
So; next time you are offered a PM or asked to join a private group to hear insider information or gossip about someone you may not know or have not met, that the PMer won’t discuss openly or include their victim in the conversation, think:
 
Am I helping a bully?
 

Anti-Bullying Week: willow’s Blog

I am an Autistic advocate and a lived experience advisor, and this means that I am expected to put myself out for public scrutiny. There are those who think that as an advocate you have to share every aspect of your life there are also negative individuals in the world who will create their own version of your story to point score and turn people against you or just to create drama and scandal.

This week is anti-bullying week and at Autistic UK CIC we have a hash tag:

#IHaveABully

We are going to be sharing useful information on the different types of bullying, and we are also putting together a list of up to date resources to add to the Autistic UK CIC website. We will be delving deeply into this subject looking at everything from definitions to long term impacts.

Some of us feel strong enough to share our stories on our blog and this is my attempt to put my thoughts together in a clear way. This has been such a difficult post to write and it has led to a lot of flashbacks and tears. I have c-PTSD from years of bullying and trauma because of my differences, and I am not ashamed to say that I still have scars.

It’s not easy to talk or even write about bullying as an adult. It’s one of those unspoken subjects; a taboo.

As an advocate I have many people who share their stories of bullying with me and some of these cases have been extremely distressing. In five short years I have heard of multiple cases where bullying has been relentless, and it has had long term impacts on individuals’ wellbeing. Sadly, I know of several cases where bullies have pushed individuals into taking their own life.

People often perceive bullying as a childhood problem, but many of the experiences shared with me have been by adults who are experiencing bullying now. Just as Autistic children grow up into Autistic adults, those who were bullies during childhood carry their ways on through to adulthood and one bully can affect many people. They do a great deal of damage and adult bullies become very good at hiding their attacks, often presenting either as a perfectly charming individual or even portraying themselves as a victim themselves to gaslight their victim and observers.

Being out as an Autistic person makes me open and it makes me a target. I think this is something that we as advocates don’t talk about enough.

During my years as an advocate, I have become very mindful of the fact that there are different types of bullying and have seen it playing out in too many environments. It has become ingrained into our society and I am not immune.

I was bullied as a child, so I know the long-term impact this has on an individual. Since becoming an advocate I have had a couple of bullies who lurk in the shadows waiting for when I am at a low ebb to have another stab with their knifes ,usually in the back may I add.

One thing I am always very mindful of is that there are two sides to every story and those who are so quick to throw stones often live in glasses houses. I am the type of person who collects all the stones that people have thrown at me to build a protective wall because I have learnt all about bullying. I use that knowledge to protect myself now, but it shouldn’t have to be like this.

Grown up bullies use covert methods as bullying often becomes more strategic in adult bullies (think of corporate bullying and competitor bashing). Often there is an ulterior motive especially in employment settings, business, and not forgetting the world of social media which is a subject all of its own.

I am seeing so many of my friends and colleagues having to deal with bullies and witch hunts across social media that I have absolutely no motivation to reach out to anyone on these platforms other than those I trust. I haven’t been attacked directly yet, but some close to me have and I know it will only be a matter of time. I won’t even go onto Twitter because in my opinion it has become the modern-day version of the stocks. One thing I have noticed is those who criticise tend to do it late at night when the person receiving the criticism is either asleep or, when awake, in a less resilient frame of mind so are less likely to challenge the perpetrator.

For a long time, I let other people’s negativity, bitterness and narrow-minded perceptions stop me from sharing my views and using my voice. I would let the things people said really get to me and would spend days worrying about how people perceived me.

I have removed a lot of people recently from social media as I have constantly had people trying to draw me into their arguments and group attacks. That really does not work with my mindset. People who know me will understand why I need to protect my own health and well-being and will actually make the time to engage in discussion rather than just lurking around for when they want to throw in negative jibs. I have a really strong scaffold of people around me but over the last few months I have definitely pulled away from more and more platforms which are become toxic an inhabited by trolls.

Our whole lives do not need to be shared on social media for us to be active citizens and advocates. There is a big difference between giving up your time to bring about systemic change and spending your whole life attacking and criticising on social media, just because another person’s experiences don’t fit into your narrow experience.

I find it especially distressing during this time that people feel they have a right to criticise and condemn without even checking their facts first. So many people are dealing with challenges created by COVID-19. We don’t know what anyone is having to deal with behind closed doors, and all this nastiness and underhand bullying is just adding to the stress levels.

It’s really not clever eating your own, especially when you only have half facts and hearsay to base your defamation campaigns on. The pandemic has already divided communities and that is the last thing we need. We can’t allow  our social structures and support systems to break down because it lessens our voice.

Those who are buying into this mindset of ganging up on others are not helping anyone. While people are fighting amongst themselves, they are not focusing on the good of society or the future issues that we are going to have to deal with. I refuse to interact anymore with people who are purely  focusing on their own personal vendettas.

We all have a choice of paths we take in life and I choose the one that leads to compassion and empathy, not criticism and condemnation.

Focus Group – Education – Autistics and Allies

A discussion about being Autistic and education including what inclusive means to you, and changes needed in the system.

  • What does inclusive education mean to you?
  • What has been your best experience with education?
  • What has been your worst experience with education?
  • What would you like to see change about the system?
  • What would you keep the same?

Focus Group – Education – Autistics Only

A discussion about being Autistic and education including what inclusive means to you, and changes needed in the system.

  • What does inclusive education mean to you?
  • What has been your best experience with education?
  • What has been your worst experience with education?
  • What would you like to see change about the system?
  • What would you keep the same?

International Day of Friendship – 30th July 2020

Today is the International Day of Friendship, and to mark to occasion I wanted to write about some of the myths surrounding friendship and Autistic people.

If media and outdated medical opinions are to be believed, Autistic people can’t make friends. We’re aloof, bluntly honest to the point of being rude, don’t like the company of others, and only tolerate people if their presence is of benefit to us. Except the media and medical opinions are complete nonsense, and actively damage our community.

One of the most common reasons parents are given by medics who refuse to give their child an autism diagnosis is, “he/she is too sociable,” or, “but they have friends.” Our social communication differences have somehow become equated with an inability or desire for companionship, and despite Autistic adults protesting this theory, it seems to have stuck. A plethora of adults have been refused diagnosis because they’re able to have romantic relationships and are, heaven forbid, even married!

This assumption has caused deeper wounds for those who are more able to mask their differences or become social chameleons, regardless of the damage it does to their wellbeing. As this typically affects females in higher proportions to males (both trans and cis women and girls), understandably a lot of work has been dedicated by advocates and some professionals into establishing a set of ‘female’ Autistic characteristics due to their under-diagnosis. However, this has meant that those who present as male in clinic have missed diagnosis when it’s possible they would have received one if measured against ‘female’ characteristics.

Those Autistics who do get diagnosed while young – possibly because they are happier alone, or because they have had difficulties making and keeping friends in school – are often placed into therapies or social skills classes which have a primary aim of making the Autistic person change the way they interact with people to meet the needs of non-Autistic people. They’re told, “this is the only way to make friends,” and that their methods of interacting, communicating, and (in many cases) playing are wrong. Being made to follow programmes designed by non-Autistics to get Autistics to ‘fit in’ mean that these Autistics either join the huge numbers of us who mask, or continue to feel isolated while also developing self-esteem and mental health difficulties. Wouldn’t you if you were told the reason you don’t have friends is because who you are is inherently wrong? Remove the focus from social skills classes to helping Autistics find their community – friendships will then naturally bloom and flourish.

Why do the non-Autistics get to be who they are? Why is it okay for other children to be lifted up, told to be proud of being different, and that they can be who they want to be, when the Autistics get the addendum: but not like that? Is it any wonder that by the time we reach adulthood, regardless of when we were diagnosed, most of us have at least one co-occurring mental health condition?

However, it’s not all doom and gloom, for the arrival of social media (and the internet in general) has changed the face of friendship for so many of us. I don’t dispute that there are toxic elements to social media, but for Autistic people – especially those diagnosed late – it’s where we finally find our tribe. There are a huge number of Autistic social groups online. From hashtags on Twitter (#AllAutistics #ActuallyAutistic and #ADHDAutism to begin with) to Facebook groups (Neurodiversity UK, Autism Inclusivity, Autism Late Diagnosis Support and Education are all good starting places), these are places which – often for the first time – Autistic people feel supported and find people they can relate to. For so many of us most of our friends are online, so please don’t assume that we’re being antisocial for looking at our phones.

During the COVID-19 pandemic, many Autistic people have said that they have been able to socialise and keep up with friends more than they did pre-pandemic. Not having to go into the office and/or commute means there’s more mental energy for time with friends, and its online nature (including online quizzes, virtual pubs, and gaming) means that participation is far easier, so they feel more connected. I know I’ve socialised more with some of my non-Autistic ‘mum friends’ far more regularly than I would if it was in person.

When we branch out of the digital realm and meet fellow Autistics in person, we rarely have the same level of awkwardness, anxiety, and misunderstanding as we do when we try to socialise with non-Autistics. This is seemingly at odds with the assumptions non-Autistics have of us which were discussed at the start of this article, and is why Autistics believe that it’s not completely accurate to state that we have social communication difficulties, rather social communication differences. We can often communicate extremely well with others who share our neurotype, regardless of whether or not we speak. We may not always understand what non-Autistic people are trying to communicate, but actually they also don’t understand us. Communication is a two-way street, and of course we’re going to be exhausted by trying to maintain friendships with non-Autistics who expect us to walk a ‘one-way road’ to communicative harmony: at least meet us half-way!

Don’t assume that Autistic people have no desire to make friends. Educate people when they claim that Autistic people cannot make friends. Understand that online friendship and companionship is valid, and can be just as fulfilling (if not more so) than in-person relationships, particularly for Autistics. On this International Day of Friendship, if you are friends with a neurodivergent person, ask yourself: are you making them do all of the work? Are you expecting them to change their communication style without thinking about adapting your own? Do you make assumptions about their abilities, needs and desires based on their neurotype? If so, please consider whether or not you could help your friend further and make life easier for them. And please, at the very least, meet them half-way.

Online Focus Group: Impact of the COVID Crisis – The Positives and Negatives (Autistics and Allies)

Our first Autistic and Ally focus group is about the Impact of the COVID Crisis – The Positives and Negatives:
 
We want to know:
  • What was your best experience during the crisis?
  • What was your worst experience during the crisis?
  • What do you want to see happen post COVID?
  • What don’t you want to see post COVID?

If you’re interested in this and future focus groups, please follow the website link and complete the registration form.

Online Focus Group: Impact of the COVID Crisis – The Positives and Negatives (Autistics Only)

Our first Autistic only focus group is about the Impact of the COVID Crisis – The Positives and Negatives:
 
We want to know:
  • What was your best experience during the crisis?
  • What was your worst experience during the crisis?
  • What do you want to see happen post COVID?
  • What don’t you want to see post COVID?

If you’re interested in this and future focus groups, please follow the website link and complete the registration form.